I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
