I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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