The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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