Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
