You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
