I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
