In the future we'll all be gay
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
