i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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