I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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