The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
