someone get that fucking seahorse.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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