Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
