Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
