my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
