I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
