We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
