I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
