I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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