My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
