So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
