Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
