I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
