So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Randomize
