I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They should really pass out barf bags in church
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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