I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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