do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
