oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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