When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
