I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
