I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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