My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
