I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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