I wish I could teleport
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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