Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
