Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
