and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
