I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
