i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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