Don't make out with my wife yet
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
