I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
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