Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
