So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
