Jerry, you need to find god
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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