My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
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Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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