He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
