Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
you're hired as official boob wrangler
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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