I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
