Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
