I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
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The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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