I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
