this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
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You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We were destined to go to rehab together
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2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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