To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you had me at cake vodka
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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