My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
