I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My ass is underappreciated
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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