So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
