sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
