i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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