There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
