I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
